Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

The principle of “internal goodness” drives all of Dr. Kennedy’s work. Internal goodness is the assumption that all people, children and parents, are compassionate, generous, and good at their core. Dr. Kennedy acknowledges that it is a difficult assumption to operate from in a tough parenting moment, which usually evokes one’s sense of “internal badness,” such as when a parent asks a child, “What is wrong with you?” Dr. Kennedy notes that the “good inside” principle doesn’t condone bad behavior; it simply allows a distinction between the person and the behavior.

It is not easy to shift perspectives because people have an inherent negativity bias—i.e., the tendency to pay more attention to what is wrong—and because of childhood experiences that have shaped one’s views. Most people’s internal self-talk is based on how one’s parents spoke to them as children. From a young age, children are wired to learn under what conditions they receive love and affection and which conditions engender rejection. When adults shut down bad behavior without acknowledgment of the goodness inside, the child internalizes that they are bad.

Finding the “good inside” is easier using what Dr. Kennedy terms the “most generous interpretation (MGI)” (8)—for instance, looking at a child’s hurtful or emotional outburst as a sign that they are dealing with big feelings of hurt, anger, jealousy, or abandonment. By applying the MGI and responding accordingly, a parent can teach a child to look inward and pay attention to their feelings, thus building skills of coping and self-regulation. Children respond to the version of themselves that their parents reflect back to them, so recognizing that a child acting out is a good kid having a hard time is essential.

An idea that underlies most of Dr. Kennedy’s parenting advice is that “two things are true” (15), or multiplicity, which is the ability to accept the coexistence of two different realities. Multiplicity underlies healthy relationships as it allows people with different views of the same experience to be seen and validated within the relationship. It applies to parenting through the reminder that a parent can love their child while still holding firm boundaries.

Connection in relationships is built on the understanding that no one is right in the absolute. Connection is forged when the goal of communication is understanding (asking about an experience to gain perspective) and not convincing (trying to assert a singular reality). Through convincing, communication often turns judgmental and defensive, and arguments escalate. Research shows that relationships in general do better when people listen to understand rather than respond. It is also beneficial for individuals to take this perspective with their inner monologue, i.e., as a parent, acknowledging that one loves their children and needs time away from them sometimes.

Parenting in this mode can help children, and parents themselves, make sense of a world that is sometimes contradictory. It is especially critical for children, who need to see their parents acknowledge and accept their feelings while ensuring these same feelings don’t control decision-making. Logic does not overpower emotion, and one sees that there is a valid reason for enforcing a boundary, and a child’s emotional response to this boundary is equally valid.

An example of practicing this principle is a parent holding a firm boundary around screen time by asking a child to switch off their iPad while acknowledging that the child is allowed to be upset about it. Another instance of practicing this principle is during a power struggle in which a parent wants a child to wear a coat outside but the child refuses. A parent could express concern over the child’s safety and ask the child for a solution or suggest carrying the jacket out and putting it on if they feel cold. If it is not safe to offer an option, the parent may need to enforce the boundary themselves, understanding that it is alright for a child to be upset about having to wear the coat. Applying the principle to parenting itself is also helpful, as it allows one to remember that one is a good parent who is having a hard time.

Within any system, including a family, clearly defined roles and responsibilities are crucial for smooth functioning. A parent’s role is to set boundaries, and responsibilities include ensuring safety in all forms. A child’s role is to learn and explore. The latter cannot dictate boundaries, and the former ought not to dictate feelings.

Certain roles take priority, such as ensuring the psychological and physiological safety of a child over their immediate satisfaction or gratification. Boundaries are necessary for this. Children are unable to maintain boundaries themselves; while they can experience strong feelings, the part of their brain responsible for emotional regulation and decision-making only fully develops in one’s twenties. It is not a parent’s job to shut down emotions, but rather to help manage them, and boundaries allow for this.

Parents can hold boundaries through words and, in certain cases, their bodies, as some instances require using physicality to keep a child safe, such as holding their wrist to prevent them from hitting. Verbal boundaries should entail telling a child what a parent will not let the child do, rather than what the child should not do (“I won’t let you hit” as opposed to “Please don’t hit”). The former embodies a parent’s authority and does not require the child to do anything.

Along with enforcing boundaries, a parent’s job is to provide validation and empathy, i.e., acknowledging that a child’s feelings are real and valid (“I can see you’re upset”) and understanding and relating to these feelings (“I know it must feel difficult to not do something you want to”). These are important not just to help a child feel better in the moment but also to help build emotional regulation skills.

Ultimately, boundaries help children learn that their emotions won’t spiral out of control because they can depend on their parent’s presence. Validation and empathy help them find their inner goodness underneath their struggle. A parent’s job, ultimately, is to help reframe their child’s difficult moments in this perspective.

Early childhood experiences are remembered in children’s bodies and form a blueprint of how they view and interact with the world and themselves well after childhood. Children learn what is permissible, what makes them lovable, and what parts of themselves to reject. While early childhood experiences do form the foundation for adulthood, it is noteworthy that the brain is malleable and can unlearn and relearn with experience.

Dr. Kennedy draws upon two psychological models to illustrate the relationship between parent and child. The first is attachment theory, proposed by John Bowlby in the 1970s. The theory posits that children have an innate, evolutionary drive to attach to their caregivers, which increases their chances of survival. Children form different attachment patterns or types based on their experiences with their caregivers, which influences their “internal working model” (42). This is a collection of their “thoughts, memories, beliefs, expectations, emotions, and behaviors that influence how they interact with themselves and others” and how they form relationships well beyond childhood (42).

Parental responses teach children which feelings threaten attachment and need to be shut down. For instance, parents can respond in different ways to a child crying. Being asked to stop crying or toughen up teaches a child that their vulnerability will not be tolerated in close relationships. Being met with validation and empathy, on the other hand, teaches them that it is safe to be vulnerable in close relationships. Feeling safe and secure within a parent-child relationship sees the child seek out similar relationships as adults, and safety and security with a parent generally comes from “responsiveness, warmth, predictability, and repair” (45). With a child, dependence and independence are not opposites: The more a child feels like they can depend on a parent, the more independent they will eventually become.

The second model is “Internal Family Systems” (46), a therapeutic model that views people as having different parts that coexist within them. For instance, an individual may be extremely outgoing with friends but reserved and inhibited with strangers. Understanding that individuals are multifaceted allows one to see that there are no bad or good parts; one is just a sum of all of them. Understanding this allows one to help children see that the different sensations and feelings they have are just parts of them and not experiences that will consume them.

These models in tandem show how children need to attach for survival and are constantly paying attention to which parts of them receive connection. Those that receive connection are strengthened, and those that are met with disapproval are stifled. Children learn through experiences—a hug or a smile have a different impact than judgment and criticism. They are also unable to separate their behavior from their identity. If parents don’t take care to distinguish a child’s underlying feelings from their behavior, a child conflates their feelings and behavior, and it feeds into their identity. Thus, it is important to recognize a child’s underlying feelings as valid even while working on changing behavior to reinforce that the child is still “good inside.”

Dr. Kennedy asserts that it is never too late to repair or reconnect with a child or with parts of oneself as an adult. Parenting requires self-reflection and learning and is as much about a parent’s growth and development as the child’s. The human brain wires early, but it also has the capacity to relearn and rewire, owing to its neuroplasticity. A child’s brain is wired in the context of a parent-child relationship, but it is possible for a child wired for insecure attachment to rewire for secure attachment later in life.

The brain also has the capacity to learn and respond to changes in the environment. When parents work on behaviors and patterns within themselves, a child responds accordingly, and certain struggles may ease. Dr. Kennedy asserts that it is not the parent’s fault if a child is struggling, but it is the parent’s responsibility to make changes. There is no perfect parent, and moments of “rupture” or disconnection are inevitable; it is more important to reflect on these moments afterward and take time to repair.

For instance, a parent may snap and yell at a child at the end of a difficult day. When the child sits alone in their room after, they are in distress and may respond in two ways: through self-doubt, where they protect themselves from reality by misremembering the incident as less threatening than it was, or self-blame, by believing they are a bad child who deserved the response. The first instance wires a child to believe they cannot perceive things accurately, and the second is a child’s attempt to feel in control of the situation.

In such an instance, repair becomes important, i.e., going back to a child to talk about the moment non-defensively. Doing so shows that the parent cares about the child’s discomfort. Repair involves apologizing for the rupture, which shows a child is respected and cared for; sharing reflections about the moment, which validates the child’s perception of the situation; and sharing what one ought to have done and will do differently henceforth, which demonstrates accountability for one’s mistakes. Repair can be effective immediately after the incident or even years later. It is not the lack of conflict that defines strong relationships but the ability to reconnect after conflict or rupture. The moment of connection repair alleviates and overwrites the feelings of aloneness and upset the child feels in the moment of rupture.